Helping Children Deal with Loss

Nicola Clifford

by Nicola Clifford

Grief recovery specialist, based at Pownall Hall School

It can be difficult to determine what the `right` response is to a grief event, and in the case of children, it may not be apparent that a grief event has happened at all. Many people associate the word grief only with physical death. There is a much broader definition that we teach and it is a definition that encompasses all loss experiences:

“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behaviour”  

For many children `pet loss` is likely to be one of their first experiences of grief, the loss however may have occurred through divorcing grandparents or a shift in domestic arrangements, it can even be challenging finances that incur the loss. Children may have seen confronting scenes for example in `death of a pet` they may have found the body,  if we are lucky enough to identify a grief event has occurred, a helpful response is to ask, “What happened?”. For many of us it is at this point we might lose confidence in how to respond, the good news is,  it is most helpful to listen. Active listening provides an outlet and release for the emotional pressure that can build up inside us, it is a precious gift we provide if we can listen without judgement criticism or analysis.

Nicola's Personal Journey

I realised that there was a need for more information and education about grief when my son Flynn died. Flynn had been a pupil at Pownall Hall School and Monday September 16th 2013 had started like any other with the school run.  Unfortunately a head on collision on the Alderley Edge bypass meant that we never made it to school that day. 

I spent the next few months in a complete nightmare, the case had to go to crown court and the BBC followed my story in a 

Nicola with Flynn

documentary film called `The Prosecutors'.  The film highlighted the pressures faced by families who find themselves being called as a witness and the devastation that happens when tragedy occurs. Far from being a story about 'the ​​​process' of attending court, the finished film is an inspirational insight of an ordinary person in extraordinary circumstances.

Ever searching for the positive I came to a realisation that not only did I feel completely ill prepared to cope with the conflicting thoughts and feelings I had surrounding the death of my son but it  had also brought up feelings about other losses as well.  My father had died when I was a baby and I have no memory of him, I suffered a huge career loss when my status as a TV presenter was taken from me and my divorce in 2007 changed the landscape of my life forever. I have learnt above all else that you cannot prevent what happens to you but you can manage your response to it.

To find out more about Nicola's work and to watch the 2017 BAFTA nominated BBC documentary, 'The Prosecutors', please click here.

When a grief event occurs people react in very different ways, some people begin an immediate review of the relationship and recount every detail of events, seemingly over and over again, their perspective swaying from side to side. A positive approach can be decided only to be followed immediately by a crash of energy and in an instant they plunge into a sea of negativity. Other people may consider in silent contemplation what has transpired and it may not be apparent that `the grieving process` has begun but amazingly all these reactions are natural and normal.  

Here is a list of the six myths or the things you should avoid saying in a sharing scenario:

1. Don`t feel bad
2. Replace the loss (e.g., get a new dog)
3. Grieve alone
4. Be strong
5. Keep busy
6. Time heals all wounds

It can be very difficult in a busy school day to give our full attention to a child who chooses 'that moment' to talk about their Grandma's funeral or how sad they feel that their Mummy has had to go and look after Grandpa,  developing an ethos of understanding and recognising the importance of these opportunities is vital.

Firstly, we should not underestimate how difficult it has been for a child to pluck up the courage to speak out and an unhelpful comment such as, “Don`t worry she will be back soon” or “Go and play it will take your mind off it” can do more harm than good.  Secondly, active listening requires our full attention, it cannot be achieved whilst we carry on with our 'jobs'.  Eye contact and positive facial expressions demonstrate to the child that they are being heard and  they have not only done the right thing,  but they were right to trust you.

Some children may never initiate this type of conversation, though we can help things along by saying, “I'm concerned about you … is everything ok?” or  “How are  things with you today?” and there will always be the children who just cannot verbalise feelings at all.  There are many reasons why children cannot verbalise their feelings but that does not mean their grief is invisible.  

Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviours (STERBS) may present themselves instead.  STERBS are numerous and can range from constant desk tidying and OCD type behaviours to regression and acting out. In any event it is not only the children who may present but also the parents! ​

For more information on how to be an 'active' listener,  STERBS, and much more on supporting mental health in the classroom please get in touch via my portal page http://www.independentschoolsportal.org/nicola-clifford.html  You can also find information on availability for your school to participate in my six week  'Helping Children Deal With Loss' course in which I  can accomodate up to 15 members of staff either in your own setting or here in the beautiful grounds of Pownall Hall School, Cheshire. I look forward to sharing this illuminating work with you.