little guidance and information on the best way to support families through 'the worst thing that can happen'. I have since learnt that for every baby who dies from cot death there are 30 stillborn babies. As educators we have a duty to be as informed as possible about the helpful things to say to a grieving family and with the kind permission of my sister I am able to share some of her milestone moments. The first decision was how to tell my three year old nephew Felix about what had happened to 'baby sister' closely followed by telling his daycare teachers that the excited countdown to the 'big day' had ended with the worst possible outcome. We told Felix using direct but simple language that, “baby sister had died” and we avoided euphemisms such as 'she is an angel' or 'she had to go to heaven'. This avoids any unnecessary confusion and is the best possible foundation for future questioning. Every family is different and their experience is unique, it is most helpful when supporting a family in this circumstance to ask them, “What kind of language are you using?” and to find out how much understanding the child has. We must be mindful not to project our beliefs into this scenario and avoid saying things like 'things happen for a reason' or 'she'll be waiting for you'. Thankfully the daycare teachers were quickly onboard with where Felix was at and they were prepared should he ask them any questions about baby sister.
for them and asked them not to act differently around her. Other people may respond differently and it is always best to be mindful of the parent dynamics in your class.
On the day that Xanthe should have been born we gathered in a park by the waterside to light lanterns and around 40 friends and family gathered to support my sister and her partner and acknowledge that their baby daughter existed. Everybody expressed how much they appreciated this opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings and photographs taken on the day will go into the memory box that my sister created for Xanthe. It is worthy to note that other grievers may choose to isolate in this situation and this also applies to siblings or other family members such as grandparents. Siblings may display an inability to concentrate or focus in class and homework may not be completed on time (if at all). It is important to maintain contact with families during this time and be flexible about deadlines etc. When I returned to work at Pownall Hall School the compassion shown to me by my colleagues was gratefully received. It had been some short weeks earlier that 16 members of staff participated in my 'Helping Children Deal With Loss' course, little did I realise how much I myself would benefit from their training! Grief is afterall a normal and natural response to loss and it was lovely to be able to talk about my story without anyone 'running for the hills'. In the past I had felt the need to 'be strong for others' and I could have won an academy award for 'being fine' but I chose to be honest with my colleagues and say, “I am feeling rubbish today”, this simple act of honesty saved much needed energy and brought much needed understanding and compassion. If you would like to feel more confident about talking to parents and children about loss please get in touch with me nclifford@pownallhallschool.co.uk My courses run regularly at Pownall Hall School or get in touch via my portal page http://www.independentschoolsportal.org/nicola-clifford.html You can find information on availability for your school to participate in my six week 'Helping Children Deal With Loss' course in which I can accommodate up to 15 members of staff either in your own setting or here in the beautiful grounds of Pownall Hall School, Cheshire. If you have any comments or questions about this article please leave them in the comments box or hit the 'like' button for your feedback is very much appreciated.
7 Comments
Ann Daly
20/5/2017 12:58:38 am
This is such an important subject to be able to talk about, my grandson & granddaughter have just lost their other Grandad so knowing the signs of their grief would be very helpful.
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Nicky Clifford
21/5/2017 05:40:33 pm
Hi Ann Daly, Thank you so much for your comment. Please drop me an e-mail as I`d love to keep in touch and thank you for sharing your experiences, Best Wishes Nicky
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Caroline
10/7/2017 01:52:37 pm
I have recently completed Helping Children Deal With Loss programme and I feel more equipped to help my children deal with all different types of loss. I do feel this course would benefit all parents/carers or people working with children. Thank you Nicky for helping me obtain these vital life skills.
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Zabrina Bradbury
10/7/2017 02:08:17 pm
An eye opening course on 'Helping Children Deal with Loss'. I've found these past 6 weeks extremely interesting and have learned a lot. I registered on this course to learn how to guide/help my children deal with loss but in doing so, have also learned a great deal about myself. I highly recommend this course and the teacher, Nicky Clifford who is an inspiration.
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Jane English
10/7/2017 02:10:04 pm
Just completed the course 'Helping Children deal with Loss'....revolutionary....this course has totally changed my perspective on everything I have ever learned on loss and how to deal with it. This undoing of ideas, and re-formulating with new and proven tools and strategies to deal effectively with loss enables me to give my children this amazing gift to cope with losses in their lives going forward. Thank you so much Nicky-a priceless gift you have shared x
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Lucy Cachia-Boyce
10/7/2017 02:13:34 pm
The helping children with Loss course run by Nicky has been extremely eye-opening and has broadened my opinions on how to deal with loss, in all aspects. I will now be able to use the techniques advised on understanding about loss and becoming complete with my own personal losses over the years which will therefore enable me to be more capable of helping my children, if need be. I would recommend this course to anyone whether you've had any significant losses in your own life or not, it will give you the tools to help others be emotionally complete, which will ultimately lead to a more fulfilling and content way of thinking. Thanks so much Nicky, you're full of inspiration, please keep sharing!
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Sare Powell
10/7/2017 02:57:06 pm
I recently attended the Helping Children Deal With Loss run by Nicky. I found it very enlightening and supportive. I came away feeling a lot more positive about helping my children with recently losses as well as having a better undersatnding about my own. Nicky is calm and supportive and approachable.
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